My Mystery Man

And I am back after a 6 year hiatus from blogging. Actually, I never did get into the blogging lifestyle. I just tried it once and never got around to doing it again until i found myself 6 years later, in need of the solace i can only get from going to an almost isolated resort in the outskirts of my urban life. I don't have the luxury of time for that, but i can't keep making that an excuse for not taking the time out to isolate my thoughts and try to get them back on track. In the span of 6 years, i found a lot of things about myself. one of them is, gasp in surprise, I have ADD. Experts have recommended that I take the time to sort my life, twice a day, before and after daily living.

As i was raking through my database for a folder, inconspicuously named to ward off privacy intruders, I remembered starting a blog 6 years ago that had "strawberry" in its title. I had a strawberry frenzy back then, thus using aliases like ichigo and fraise. Thank you blogspot for not throwing it out into the abyss of the world wide web.

And now, lo and behold, I'm back, blogging account reactivated. As for activating a blogging habit, we'll see about that. But for now, I'm making it a short term goal to finish this blog. This is how i found my old blog. It was written so long ago I even doubted I wrote it. But what intrigued me more, however, was the mystery behind the person i was writing about. Who was i writing about? Did i acquire amnesia and just totally forgot about a seemingly passionate love-hate relationship with a guy? I tried to recall my boyz in 2004. Really, it shouldn't have been hard to recall because i didn't have any. Was it any of my X'es then, or possibly any of my past 2 bosses whom i hated? Seriously, I would really love to meet the guy I wrote about. He seemed really awesome! Now if I can only remember him...

From years of watching CSI and Criminal Minds, I've acquired enough investigative and detective skills of my own to solve this mystery. The only perspective i could get from the blog was really just my own, obviously, 'cause I'm the blogger. Duh!! moment back there. But who was it that I cursed so blatantly? Who did i backbite? Who did i slap with indifference? Whose patience did i cross, and knowingly test, yet did not break? Who, despite knowing me and knowing I can't love him as much, loves me just the same? Who would, despite all these, still carries me to safer grounds, patches up my wounds, wipes my tear and stands by and with me at the end of the day. Is he real? Even though, through the 6 years, I've had episodes of doubt, I've become enough of a believer to say "Yes" to that. Is he human? Yes, that's why I know now he knows every bit of what I have been and am going through. And now that I find myself in a somewhat similar circumstance, undisguised passiveness toward him, seeking the limits of his patience, crossing the line one too many times, his love remains true and faithful as is did 6 years ago. The world has changed in the last 6 years, and so have I, yet he remains. Is any human capable of this supernatural love and faithfulness? I looked back to this line from my old blog "i gave him what could be the most painful thing any being could give to another...". Emphasis be on the word "being". It was then that I solved the mystery. I know I carefully chose that word because i could not reconcile all those things my mystery man was, is and did to the word "human". In 6 years, I've found out he is more than that and is capable even of much more.

I am right now going through another episode of doubt, but i know that when all this comes to pass, i'll have him.... standing beside me, wiping my tear, patching up my wounds, carrying me to safer grounds. i did not love him as much. i did not ask him to love me. he knows that. and to my so-called misfortune, he knows me all too well. i didn't bother sugar-coating my passiveness toward him.... he knew i didn't care. i gave him what could be the most painful thing any being could give to another.... indifference. yes, i made him suffer. he ached, yes, yet for some unknown reason, he welcomed every bit of the face-slapping indifference, back-biting ingratitude and tongue-lashing curses i threw his way. i sought the limits of his patience, trod along the borders and may have crossed the line too many times. but he keeps pulling the line an inch farther, all the time.

I wrote this, probably, with hatred 6 years ago... But i wrote it with the passion of a girl, fighting and running away from love, but fell for it anyway. I miss that passion. And while I am praying for it, i know enough to know that...

God is real. God is Love... Ergo, Love is real...